Sun and Soil

Do you have a desire to grow things? I do. Something about the communion with the dirt. The sweat while your digging and eating things that you grew with your bare hands. And its the silliest thing because we all know what a short attention span I have. I kill things, I dont grow them.
But here we go again with a garden and my husband is humoring me.

Its probably because we have decided not to move from our terrible little apartment, for the duration of our lives in indiana and he wants me to be as comfortable as possible. Or maybe its as nostalgic for him as it is me. He had a garden when he was a kid too. We didnt always have a garden but I remember planting tomatoes and radishes with my dad a couple summers. It was always fun checking the plants together and waiting for the first fruits.

Ryan and I jest about moving to Uruguay to be farmers. They still have ranchers and farmers there that can support themselves. I told ryan I will go anywhere if it means I can have horses.
They still have cowboys in Uruguay. And its on the coast. Now if only I could learn to speak spanish.

The Bunny vs. The Fat Man

Well its Easter Sunday and most of you know what that means. Church will be filled with songs and songs joyous about the Risen Christ and that's benefits to you.

I hate Easter pageants. I cant even begin to tell you why. I love Christmas ones so its not the pageantry. And I love the theater. Because I love the acting and the costumes and the music. I begin to think that its the story which is silly. And then i think i find that its the celebration. The Easter is so happy.
Sure Hes risen and that means He did defeat death and what an enormous, glorious thing. In conceivable really. But what about the rest of it. There's the beating and the dying and the leaving us to our own devices where we immediately screw it up.

Yup, I prefer Christmas, that we just get to be thankful that he was sent. Joyful and humbled and in awe of the baby king.

Laughable

So I finally found my old blog. I had been hunting it for awhile.
The one I started when I left for Indiana the first time.

I just had to comment on this:

I'm sitting at Laura's house, ending one era, beginning another. Only a moment ago I wrote to Dr. 007 of aprehension. I've never had to make friends as an adult. I mean starting from scratch. Tara left for school, I still had Chris and I met Laura before he left for college. Anyways, I won't call it fear, because I am not afraid, (afterall, who wouldn't love me!) but it is there, with its uncertainty none the less.

Afterall who wouldnt love me. HA such optimism from the 25 year old me. I was fun and fabulous.
And after 3 years in Indiana I still dont have a single friend.
So I have to ask, Is it me? Or is it Indiana?
I mean sure I was single then, much more apt to go and do.
I was much less cynical, (thank you Ryan) and liked people in general more.
But I was also less sure of myself and apt to spend hours investing in people who really didnt interest me because I was afraid to be alone.
Is that quality? Is that what I want out of a relationship? Am I not allowed to have standards?
Obviously you cant have standards and friends both. *Sigh*

The Sameness

I just stole this from someone else's blog...

I've broken 3 things in the past 24 hours. Unbelievable.

Sad. Distressed. Downhearted. That would be a good description of myself. I just broke the space bar on my keyboard. So that makes 4 things.

I've had two hysterical meltdowns two days in a row.

Blah.

In the car I sang over and over today, "Arise, Arise, Arise, Arise my soul arise." It was a good reminder. Get out of this funk and gloom.

I ache so bad I'm afraid I will implode or lose my mind.

It resounded so deeply in my spirit. I feel the labor just to move. The desperation of "why?" And of "what good". It fills me so wholly to know that it is not just me. That these struggles, these lies and mistrusts assail us all.

So thank you Jennifer, thank you for being real and for reminding me that I am not alone.
And hell, i might even just be normal.

When did we grow up?

Who was the last friend you made?
Do you stop making friends at some point?
Children have BEST FRIENDS but adults rarely do, why is this?
Is it because we have spouses with whom we are expected to share our deepest darkest?
Or because we become so complex one person can't do the job?
Or do we age beyond selfless devotion?

I love to see the desire for love in other people. For some its a simple manifestation of eagerness. For others its an irritating gooey slop which they feel the need to share in hopes that you'll
reciprocate. And then there are rebels. The girl in my biology class with her danzig t-shirt and kool-aid stained hair who really just wants to be a Disney princess. The guy we all know that can't stand anyone anyone, but really really wants to be your friend.

The desire to bond is strong. The ability is so flawed.

Easy as 1, 2, 3...

Last night I made a pot roast. As I was cooking it, I was watching some food network shows that I dont normally watch and i happened upon a recipe for popovers that changed my life.

I have always wanted to try popovers. But they kinda look complicated and fussy and you gotta print the recipe and have the time etc...

Then the chick on TV says... "its 2 eggs, 2tsp of melted butter, 1 cup of milk and 1 cup of flour"
blend and your done.
How hard is that? So I made some...

Now my thought is, why do we not reduce everything in life to simple forms? Other recipes id seen called for these odd quantities and special instructions... If thats really all it took, 2+2+1+1 well anyone should be able to make popovers... and a bet more people would try.

Go ask Alice....

I went to see Alice in Wonderland this past weekend. Of course I enjoyed it thoroughly, but then there are few things Tim Burton that I dont love. Ryan and I got to discussing the symbolism, or implied symbolism in the book/movie. (I love how a piece of literature is dissected by third parties years later and said to mean things I bet they never did).
Does the Jabberwocky represent traditional female roles? Husbands? Penises? Why did Disney introduce playing cards into the cartoon version? What happened to the Walrus and the Carpenter?

At the end of the movie, Alice decides not to marry the wealthy but awful young man who has asked for her hand but instead pursues business and engages in building trade with China.
Throughout the movie the young Alice romps sans corset and stockings.

So this is my thought for today... This is independence no? Alice believes in impossible things. She has vision beyond matrimony and society. And she throws off convention with abandon to pursue the impossible.
Does she disobey her mother in turning down her proposal, yes. Does she act improperly by choosing business over motherhood?

Is this a feminist hollywood american dream? Is this a shiny hope of prosperity silently undermining our ability to be content with hearth and home? Are we learning to resent conventional wisdom and trust our "inner guide" one hour of conditioning at time?

Or is it even wrong to lose the corset and stockings? So some small minded gossips will talk about how they might see our shins? Are we so afraid of questioning our conventional wisdom that we tow a line, to a party, a dogma, a tradition that we fear to evaluate what we really think. Or maybe we shouldnt think.