Tick...Tock...

Time stands still here. Its the oddest sensation. I have been here for four days and I feel at the same time like I have been both here for a month and an hour.

Ryan thinks he may have a job. We're not sure because we have to wait until Monday when the temp agency has more jobs. Apparently in Kentuckiana, they run out of jobs. More than one temp agency we went to was closed in the middle of the day on Wednesday because they had no jobs to hire people for. Bizzarro.

I am listening to the song that plays during the trailer for "Pineapple Express". Its not like anything I usually listen to but I like it. I think that movie is going to be hysterical. I hope so anyway.
Seth Rogen was on Fresh Air today on NPR. Yesterday it was Rainn Wilson. Thats one thing I will say about the commute. We get to listen to the radio a lot. And because we switch from an Evansville NPR station to a Louisville station we can hit almost any show we want. I have decided that the Fresh Air chick has by far the best job ever.

Anyway. I dont have anything deep or philosophical to discuss because nothing has happened.
Oh except Denise (Ryans mom) has a Chrysler Crossfire (little sporty convertible) and I think it may be the most poorly designed car I have ever had occasion to be in. You sit to high for the windshield, the arm rest is too low but you cant rest your arm on the top of the door cause its about level with your shoulder. Its just strange.

Anyway, thats my life. I got new batteries for my camera but the fourth dog is gone now so theres no point.

Point of interest ---> this town was founded by a bunch of Germans and this weekend is the Strassenfest (beer and sausage festival). Usually at least one of Ryans friends gets arrested for public intox so that should be fun. If we go I should have some pictures of that at least.

Im signing off.

Into the Wild MidWestevez...

So today I am off... Its early and I am tired. But I was thinking about you. Yes you reading this blog. I was thinking about all the times we laughed together, (or you at least laughed at my expense and I pretended to laugh with you) and shared sweet moments and argued deep philosophical points. How we drank red wine or coffee and ate weird fantastic cheeses and chocolates while dishing about the books we cant get enough of; the men we love despite the rest of the world and just all around had a pretty great time.
I will miss you my sweet dear friend.
In the words of the great poet (snicker) MWS i leave you with this:

Pray for me
and I'll pray for you
and one day Love will bring us back around... again.


Ciao Bellas, Be Well, Please Write and I hope to see you soon.

???

I dont know what is up with the font.

Mirror Mirror In My Heart...

What do we think of my sunflowers? They are kinda Mid-Westy and I was tired of being so average.

My daddy is here !!! I am so excited. I love to see my dad. It is the best benefit I find of moving out of my house. There is nothing better, well almost nothing better than the minute I see my dad.

Except that hes old. I don’t remember when he got old. I do remember that hes been old for a while but I don’t remember when exactly that it happened. Maybe it was the cancer. Or maybe I just became an adult.

I bought a new book the other day. Well two new books but the one of interest to this story is, “The Question of God: C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex, and the Meaning of Life” it was in the back of the truck today and he picked it up and started to flip through it.

It occurs to me now at that moment (not that it never had before) where my father reads the book I bought to engender philosophical conversation with my spouse, that I married my father.

I went from desperately loving and seeking the approval of one man who couldn’t share or appreciate my faith in Christ to desperately loving and seeking another who couldn’t.

(Those of you who know both Ryan and my father know that that does not even begin the list of similarities, but that’s another show.)

What I want to talk about today is why someone does this? In the grand scheme of the universe is there some generational link betwixt a woman with an unsaved father marrying into the same? Did I have a choice? (This is rhetorical, I know I did) But were my heart not already sealed?

Today my heart is heavy. Heavy with love, heavy with sadness and heavy with feeling absolutely ineffective.

Duality

Why in all this time has no one told me that Jessica Rockey and I have the same title for our blogs? I am so not even as original as I thought.
This is severely depressing.
Now I have to go eat Chinese food to recover.

Is It In You?

“I just don’t see what’s funny about putting somebody through a wood chipper.”

As soon as the words have left Bekah Judd’s mouth I start to snicker.

I will admit, my sense of humor is not quite right.

Last night while sitting outside Baker’s Crust with Bekah and Amy Bare; we got onto a vein of discussing dark comedies and I found myself referencing several movies that neither of them had ever seen. Death to Smoochy, Running with Scissors, The Royal Tennanbaums, etc. Some of which they (like many people I now assume) had never even heard of. At some point it occurs to me that I have come to love these ladies dearly despite the fact that they cannot recite even the First Rule of Fight Club, much less the other seven.

Believe me, this is a HUGE wormhole in my own personal dogma of the value of another human being.

I digress.

I began to think about why I like the things that I do, why I think they are funny and what makes me appreciate humor. (Don’t be surprised that I can post “I began to think” every day because usually I have some ephiphanical {yes I just made that word up} revelation about my own rabbit holes as soon as I allow myself to begin to think about them. Probably why I never did mind altering drugs. I get lost enough in my own head sober, can’t imagine if I took off the leash and went wandering.)

I digress.

So my favorite movies are those that show the problems of humanity in an exaggerated form.

The family disfucntionality of The Royals, Running with Scissors, White Oleander, Little Miss Sunshine

The need find truth outside the tangible world Fight Club, Pi

Or just the raw depravity of man: Kill Bill, The Machinist, Reservoir Dogs

Lets not just TALK about the pink elephants, lets research them, dissect them, train them, put them on parade, and write a book about “500 Hundred Ways to Cook an Elephant” That’s my thought anyway, but I don’t have boundary issues, I don’t even have boundaries.

But the more I think about it the more I find that I enjoy those things not because they reflect society in an honest affronting way but because they resonate with something inside myself. They put a thought, an event, a desire from my own life up on a screen and say see, you’re not the only freak in the world. Someone else went through this, thought this, did this.

I remember distinctly an occasion in sixth grade Sunday school where our teachers drew a “line in the sand” and asked us to cross it if we would commit not to use drugs and alcohol. I was the only one who didn’t move. I believed firmly in not “putting before God” in sixth grade a covenant that I had no idea whether or not I was going to even want to keep when I became an adult. All my peers were sure there was something wrong with me. Was a pledging to be bad?

While studying Oedipus Rex in Greek Lit my teacher asked for a show of hands if we thought we could kill our own fathers. I was the only one who did. He praised me as the only honest one in the class. I thought perhaps it was not honesty but self-awareness. Not that have ever wanted to hurt my father. Aside my husband, my dad is my favorite person in the world, but understanding my heart as it is; knowing given XYZ circumstancing having been different, had there been abuse, had I been a psychopath ...there but for Christ. I am not who I could be.

I don’t think about it often. But when I do, I have to admit, its there. The person I could have been; the person but for God that I could have become. A drug addict or a runaway. A co-dependant lover or a self-help junkie, a unitarian, a call-girl, a wicca or just a bored pampered suburban housewife.

Maybe that’s why Bekah doesn’t think using a wood chipper to dispose of a body is funny. It never would have occurred to her to do that. Perhaps being a killer isn't in her. Even naturally.

I however, might have done it. After further examination though it seems like a good way to get caught. Too much liquid evidence. No DNA containment. I would hope I would have been smarter than that. (Although, I think if he had a choice, its the kinda way Steve Buscemi would have wanted to go, we were talking about Fargo.)

If you gotta dump a body, I think a pig farm is definitely the way to go.

What a way to start the day...

Saw the sunrise this morning. Tara, her sister Rachel, her best friend Julie and I have a semi tradition of watching the sunrise and eating pancakes at the beach. The place we always go has been replaced by condos, so we had to go to IHOP cause we couldnt find anything else open, but what a beautiful sunrise, don'tcha think?