Its funny the word home. What does it mean? Dictionary.com says its a persons dwelling, house apartment etc.
But it also says a persons native place.
My favorite by far is the one that says a destination or goal.
Heather Lee said something to me today about being at home. I was confused because I thought I was. But then she meant Eville. I mean, that is where I live, but is that my home. I understand what the Bible says about longing for home.
Driving these streets is soothing to my soul. This is where my life is. So where is my home.
Home is where you hang your hat. Home is where my love lives.
But home is not where I am. Apparently. Ever.

The life and times....

Does anyone else feel like they are old? I have noticed more and more my body is letting me down. I mean 30 is not so old on the grand scheme of things. But I cant imagine if things are changing this drastically at this age what they will be like when I am 60.
I mean my eyes are going. I shouldnt be surprised at this. Both my mother and my father wear glasses. But I am really annoyed that I cant read street signs anymore. Or even the board in the front of the class from time to time.
Also, I am tired. All the time. I dont remember ever really being tired until now. I mean sure, if I stayed up until 4, sure. But not because I stayed up to 11!

Becoming

You ever think about the people who have made you who you are?
I am eternally nostalgic because I fail to update my music collection and like most females I am emotionally tied to the soundtrack of my life.
Right now I have been listening to the Dresden Dolls repeatedly. I would not necessarily recommend them to anyone else, but they speak to me. Something in that womans writing resonates with me. Her attitude, her fierceness, her carelessness.
She wants to be careless. To experience life through mistakes.

I think about the mistakes I have made in my life. Most of them (other than the debt) I would not trade. The people I have loved (although I think I could have done without the gay guy) , the friends I have loved and lost, the opportunities I took and fell on my face. I am grateful for all of them.

I have been wanting to blog for a while about closure. About that time when you know a chapter of you life is over and what made you move one. Like the day you were no longer crushed by someone else's opinion. Or the moment you realize the man you loved for so long is not as great as you always thought. And how you move on. But I have not been able to. I have not moved on. I am not able to say that I have passed it. I suppose some wounds will never heal. Or maybe its just that you always have the scars. I am able to say that I have been changed. I can easily see the threads that have woven me being into the woman I am today. And I want to say someday that the truth of anatomy is the truth of my being.

The scars are the strongest part.

Dress for Success...

So on my Google homepage today there is this WikiHow:

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Glamorous-1940s-Femme-Fatale

Before I go on, let me say, I love WikiHow. I love the idea of a daily how to improve or change your life. I love the idea of a small step by step guide on how to be new or different. I love Wikipedia.

I do not love the idea of people actually trying to dress like its the 194os everyday.

Dont get me wrong. If theres a thing, I will be the first one to donn the duds. Ask around. This chica does not need an excuse for a get up.

But this particular how to lists a couple of must haves that I simply cannot support.

Number one: Ditch your jeans. - And do the house work in what? Your skivvys?? This is not Stepford.
Number two: Donn a marlin spike. - Unless it is October 31, i dont think so.
Number three: Wrap yourself in fur - I say, if you are going the Golden Corral, you can leave the fur coat at home.

I guess my point is this, I am all about women looking feminine. I am trying to add more dresses to my wardrobe rotation. Looking pretty makes you feel good about yourself and towards the world.
If you want to adopt some of the more classic looks from the 40s (black eye liner, red lipstick, dark hair, chic clothes) I am all about it.

I just have to tell you Wiki, if you were a chick and I saw you in Evansville in an evening gown at the local walmart. I would have to mock and jeer.

Where have all the Conan gone?

Heard an interesting interview on NPR the other day on my way to work. A man, a retired military man (20 years active) has written at big thing (book, essay, something) about how the use of the word HERO is overwrought in America today especially amongst the military. He went on about his theory and what not and it was an interesting perspective but what got to me was this.

The definition of a hero goes something like this:

- a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.
- a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability
- an immortal being; demigod

So we use this word today, HERO. And what does it mean? Nothing like that. It might be appropriate to say that someone acted heroically. But that someone is a Hero?
I am always amused by the changes in words their connotations and evolutions.

So why do we say that someone is a hero? Because we need them to still exist? I can't think of the last honest to God hero. Moses? Samson? The Apostles? Maybe just Jesus?
Is this one of those attempts to believe there is a little divinity in all of us? That any of us can be a hero? That a mere mortal might gain the title simply by choosing a more dangerous occupation?

Im kind of rambling I know. Its just a thought. Wheres the divinity? Wheres the honor? Wheres the calling? Where have all the cowboys gone?

Sing me a new song...

Do you know what I mean when I say I've lost my umph...? Its so very frustrating. Im not really sure what happened. It was there, and then it wasnt.
And I dont just mean my energy. I mean my joie de vive. I dont cook. I dont sing. Or if I do these things hold no pleasure for me. Even coming up with something to write about on here seems painful like a chore.

If I wasnt me I would say I'm depressed. I cant bring myself to use the word';im not really unhappy. Im just un-empassioned. My life lacks mania.

I am a straight un-ending line. I am the horizon.

What is Rock and Roll?

Do you ever stop to think about rock and roll?
I dont mean heavy metal or grunge rock, I mean the original rock and roll, the kind our parents listened too when they thought their parents were out of earshot.
Ever since I was little my did would stay up late with his albums (I really mean vinyl) and his headphones and listen to Bob Seger and Neil Diamond and Led Zeppelin.
I remember those times vividly because he was so engrossed in those songs, those times. I have to wonder what is it about rock n roll that was so life changing?
Now a days we have rap, gangster and otherwise, r & b, softrock, classic rock, alternative, ska, blues such a myriad of sound that it is impossible to even know what comes out on a regular basis.
Was music better in the says of Janis and Jimi and Dylan??
Do we not cling today to the hits of yesterday because they stopped making good music?
Will we sit with our CD's and listen for hours to the musical stylings of Marshall Mathers or the Killers or Kenny Chesney?
So few songs today have the staying power of The Watchtower or Bobby McGee.
I just wonder, did rock n roll die? Or is it just so dilute today that no one really cares.