Town Crier

I dont remember when I became a crier. I remember distinctly laughing at my mom when she would cry at Hallmark commercials. I want to know when it happened to me.

Did it happen to you?

Ive decided, I think, that I was not old enough to understand love or want, therefore comprehend loss or disappointment really so I could not grieve. Or maybe I've only become more of an empath as ive gotten older.

I cry for lost fathers and spouses. I cry for deployed husbands and fathers. I cry for estranged mothers and daughters. All of these things I see on TV or hear in and song and I weep. Not just tear but weep.


I cried on Saturday. Most of the way home from Louisville I cried. I dont recommend crying while driving. But there was construction and no shoulder. None the less I survived.
This time it was a different cry. I havent really been upset about the situation here.

We have been here a month with no real jobs. Ryan is so depressed with guilt because of everything that he is barely trying. He doesnt realize hes depressed so he wont talk to me about it. He wont see Noah. Im driving an hour and forty five minutes to work a terrible job that pays 8 dollars an hour for 16 hours a week. Just to have some income. And we missed the deadline for FAFSA, it passed while we were busy trying to move so now we dont get to go to school for a whole year.

All of this I had taken, or so I thought, with calm and reserve and patience. I was not angry, I was not aggravated.

But you know what set me off? HGTV's 10 Best Kitchens ... it doesnt seem germane I know.

I got mad at God that I was never going to own a Viking Range. That because I was married to a man who could live in a cave and be happy and we lived in the middle of nowhere where there were no jobs and we were never going to finish school and I would never have a job that made any money and I would never have a kitchen with Italian tile and marble counters and a Viking range and then I got angry that I felt sinful for wanting all of those things but dammit I wanted them. So I cried ... isnt that silly?