Tick...Tock...

Time stands still here. Its the oddest sensation. I have been here for four days and I feel at the same time like I have been both here for a month and an hour.

Ryan thinks he may have a job. We're not sure because we have to wait until Monday when the temp agency has more jobs. Apparently in Kentuckiana, they run out of jobs. More than one temp agency we went to was closed in the middle of the day on Wednesday because they had no jobs to hire people for. Bizzarro.

I am listening to the song that plays during the trailer for "Pineapple Express". Its not like anything I usually listen to but I like it. I think that movie is going to be hysterical. I hope so anyway.
Seth Rogen was on Fresh Air today on NPR. Yesterday it was Rainn Wilson. Thats one thing I will say about the commute. We get to listen to the radio a lot. And because we switch from an Evansville NPR station to a Louisville station we can hit almost any show we want. I have decided that the Fresh Air chick has by far the best job ever.

Anyway. I dont have anything deep or philosophical to discuss because nothing has happened.
Oh except Denise (Ryans mom) has a Chrysler Crossfire (little sporty convertible) and I think it may be the most poorly designed car I have ever had occasion to be in. You sit to high for the windshield, the arm rest is too low but you cant rest your arm on the top of the door cause its about level with your shoulder. Its just strange.

Anyway, thats my life. I got new batteries for my camera but the fourth dog is gone now so theres no point.

Point of interest ---> this town was founded by a bunch of Germans and this weekend is the Strassenfest (beer and sausage festival). Usually at least one of Ryans friends gets arrested for public intox so that should be fun. If we go I should have some pictures of that at least.

Im signing off.

Into the Wild MidWestevez...

So today I am off... Its early and I am tired. But I was thinking about you. Yes you reading this blog. I was thinking about all the times we laughed together, (or you at least laughed at my expense and I pretended to laugh with you) and shared sweet moments and argued deep philosophical points. How we drank red wine or coffee and ate weird fantastic cheeses and chocolates while dishing about the books we cant get enough of; the men we love despite the rest of the world and just all around had a pretty great time.
I will miss you my sweet dear friend.
In the words of the great poet (snicker) MWS i leave you with this:

Pray for me
and I'll pray for you
and one day Love will bring us back around... again.


Ciao Bellas, Be Well, Please Write and I hope to see you soon.

???

I dont know what is up with the font.

Mirror Mirror In My Heart...

What do we think of my sunflowers? They are kinda Mid-Westy and I was tired of being so average.

My daddy is here !!! I am so excited. I love to see my dad. It is the best benefit I find of moving out of my house. There is nothing better, well almost nothing better than the minute I see my dad.

Except that hes old. I don’t remember when he got old. I do remember that hes been old for a while but I don’t remember when exactly that it happened. Maybe it was the cancer. Or maybe I just became an adult.

I bought a new book the other day. Well two new books but the one of interest to this story is, “The Question of God: C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex, and the Meaning of Life” it was in the back of the truck today and he picked it up and started to flip through it.

It occurs to me now at that moment (not that it never had before) where my father reads the book I bought to engender philosophical conversation with my spouse, that I married my father.

I went from desperately loving and seeking the approval of one man who couldn’t share or appreciate my faith in Christ to desperately loving and seeking another who couldn’t.

(Those of you who know both Ryan and my father know that that does not even begin the list of similarities, but that’s another show.)

What I want to talk about today is why someone does this? In the grand scheme of the universe is there some generational link betwixt a woman with an unsaved father marrying into the same? Did I have a choice? (This is rhetorical, I know I did) But were my heart not already sealed?

Today my heart is heavy. Heavy with love, heavy with sadness and heavy with feeling absolutely ineffective.

Duality

Why in all this time has no one told me that Jessica Rockey and I have the same title for our blogs? I am so not even as original as I thought.
This is severely depressing.
Now I have to go eat Chinese food to recover.

Is It In You?

“I just don’t see what’s funny about putting somebody through a wood chipper.”

As soon as the words have left Bekah Judd’s mouth I start to snicker.

I will admit, my sense of humor is not quite right.

Last night while sitting outside Baker’s Crust with Bekah and Amy Bare; we got onto a vein of discussing dark comedies and I found myself referencing several movies that neither of them had ever seen. Death to Smoochy, Running with Scissors, The Royal Tennanbaums, etc. Some of which they (like many people I now assume) had never even heard of. At some point it occurs to me that I have come to love these ladies dearly despite the fact that they cannot recite even the First Rule of Fight Club, much less the other seven.

Believe me, this is a HUGE wormhole in my own personal dogma of the value of another human being.

I digress.

I began to think about why I like the things that I do, why I think they are funny and what makes me appreciate humor. (Don’t be surprised that I can post “I began to think” every day because usually I have some ephiphanical {yes I just made that word up} revelation about my own rabbit holes as soon as I allow myself to begin to think about them. Probably why I never did mind altering drugs. I get lost enough in my own head sober, can’t imagine if I took off the leash and went wandering.)

I digress.

So my favorite movies are those that show the problems of humanity in an exaggerated form.

The family disfucntionality of The Royals, Running with Scissors, White Oleander, Little Miss Sunshine

The need find truth outside the tangible world Fight Club, Pi

Or just the raw depravity of man: Kill Bill, The Machinist, Reservoir Dogs

Lets not just TALK about the pink elephants, lets research them, dissect them, train them, put them on parade, and write a book about “500 Hundred Ways to Cook an Elephant” That’s my thought anyway, but I don’t have boundary issues, I don’t even have boundaries.

But the more I think about it the more I find that I enjoy those things not because they reflect society in an honest affronting way but because they resonate with something inside myself. They put a thought, an event, a desire from my own life up on a screen and say see, you’re not the only freak in the world. Someone else went through this, thought this, did this.

I remember distinctly an occasion in sixth grade Sunday school where our teachers drew a “line in the sand” and asked us to cross it if we would commit not to use drugs and alcohol. I was the only one who didn’t move. I believed firmly in not “putting before God” in sixth grade a covenant that I had no idea whether or not I was going to even want to keep when I became an adult. All my peers were sure there was something wrong with me. Was a pledging to be bad?

While studying Oedipus Rex in Greek Lit my teacher asked for a show of hands if we thought we could kill our own fathers. I was the only one who did. He praised me as the only honest one in the class. I thought perhaps it was not honesty but self-awareness. Not that have ever wanted to hurt my father. Aside my husband, my dad is my favorite person in the world, but understanding my heart as it is; knowing given XYZ circumstancing having been different, had there been abuse, had I been a psychopath ...there but for Christ. I am not who I could be.

I don’t think about it often. But when I do, I have to admit, its there. The person I could have been; the person but for God that I could have become. A drug addict or a runaway. A co-dependant lover or a self-help junkie, a unitarian, a call-girl, a wicca or just a bored pampered suburban housewife.

Maybe that’s why Bekah doesn’t think using a wood chipper to dispose of a body is funny. It never would have occurred to her to do that. Perhaps being a killer isn't in her. Even naturally.

I however, might have done it. After further examination though it seems like a good way to get caught. Too much liquid evidence. No DNA containment. I would hope I would have been smarter than that. (Although, I think if he had a choice, its the kinda way Steve Buscemi would have wanted to go, we were talking about Fargo.)

If you gotta dump a body, I think a pig farm is definitely the way to go.

What a way to start the day...

Saw the sunrise this morning. Tara, her sister Rachel, her best friend Julie and I have a semi tradition of watching the sunrise and eating pancakes at the beach. The place we always go has been replaced by condos, so we had to go to IHOP cause we couldnt find anything else open, but what a beautiful sunrise, don'tcha think?

Where Have Your Feet Been?

Did you know that elephants don’t leave footprints? Don’t quote me on this, I heard it first person from an elephant this morning so I can’t vouch for it’s veracity. It got me thinking though. A three ton animal takes a step and nothing. Wow.

I began to think about my footprints; those I make and those that have been made upon me.

If I could ask God one question (this week) it would be: why do we remember the things that we do? What causes one moment to stand up out of years and be a totem of a summer, a person, a lifetime?

My grandmother is selling her home on Martha’s Vineyard. I’ve only been there 5 or so times my whole life I don’t remember any of the more recent visits. I remember the ones when I was little: A cut on the blackberry bushes, the rope swing, having tea at Mrs. Jackie’s house. Well, I remember her cat anyway. And her sofa.

What’s the formula for that magic moment when a person’s foot sinks in?

For Tara it was a trip to the mall. With Ryan it was the day that we quietly, unknowingly outsmarted the entire Spanish class. Others even more recently, I couldn’t tell you.

What makes one foot print deeper than others?

I have a friend who I love very dearly who was never supposed to be my friend. Now I know this sounds weird, but he was my brother’s friend when we were kids, then my friend’s brother when we were older and later on he was another friend’s boyfriend. During none of this time did we spend any great amount of time together developing our relationship. Bradley and my brother aren’t close anymore, neither are the girls and I but somehow he and I are and will always be friends. I have other friends whose siblings I have spent more hours with, had more fun with, but none whose company I was gladder of.

What do my foot prints look like?

I know that when I leave my footprints will be left deeply in certain places. Mz. Lee is still in the denial stage of her grief. Rachel Wilkinson and I will ever be inseparable in spirit when given the opportunity. I don’t doubt that I have friends. But I do wonder if they have served any purpose other than shifting earth. Have I been the step that pushed a seed into the ground so that it might take root? Have I crushed a bug that later might have bitten someone? Have I created a puddle that a thirsty frog might drink? Or just made mudpies?

Maybe that will be my question for God next week.

Mama Mia Girls, You know you wanna...

PARADIGM...Not to be confused with a pachyderm

Anybody else think that care group last night was a little weird?
I mean it has never been any particular dream of mine to hijack specific sections of time to have people all focus on me. (Unless of course I have a great story.) But last night, I was not in command of the attention and it was unnerving.

And I guess the crazy part is that God hijacked the meeting, all to remind me what a proud little sinner I am. How insane! I didn't expect, didn't seek prayer, it hadn't even occurred to me that I might need it. I was oblivious. We believe the Lord will go to great lengths to maintain His children, sure. When its is manipulating circumstance in a random way to fulfill a need. I dont think any of us would think twice.

But when you are off, in your own little kingdom, licking your wounds and telling yourself how well you are bearing your cross considering the circumstances and He takes over the prayers and issues forth the scriptures of those around you to say, "You spoilt little child, why dont you stop crying in your mudpie and come eat at the table all the good things I've made for you."

WOW.

He pursued me. Not just followed me but chased me, caught me up out of my circumstantial view and shook me. And to what end? So that I would be less of a sinner, sure. But so that I could go forth with Joy.

Please God, don't ever leave me to my own paradigm.

Free Rice Game

On the left hand side of my blog is a link to a cool site I heard about on NPR. Its a vocab game that lets you "donate" to the United Nations World Food Program.
I am a word nerd. So its a great game for me.
I am up to level 41.
Tell me how high you get!

Movie Madness...

Are you into movies? I am probably more than the average bear. Not all movies mind you, they have to have history, sub-culture, subversion, an awesome director or just be wack enough that most people wouldn't go see it and then I will probably be wholly devoted. Examples this month's blockbusters:

I am going to see Mama Mia this Saturday with the Fabulous Heather Lee and some friends of hers from USAA where I used to work. I have my silk 70's style dress and am seriously considering the purchase of one pair of white patent leather platform boots to go with.

This is not the madness... this is just normal movie going for me and HL. (And as a matter of fact, if any of you would like to come, 70's garb or not, you should join the love! Let me know!)

I am psyched about going to see Hellboy. I like comic book movies. I have enjoyed watching Del Toro progress as a director and to watch things through his eyes is really neat. Hes twisted, like Tim Burton, but in a beautifully artsy way, not just dark and well dark. He had good character development in the first one which is more than you can say for some of the Marvel films. But none the less I am drawn to the comic book and even graphic novel genre and sub-cult.

As a young person, I collected Marvel comics and cards and can tell you names stats and favorite foods of my favorite super heroes... this is a little more like madness.

But the worst of all by far is Batman. Not that I am "into" Batman, but I will kudos Christian Bale. The Machinist was awesome. As Batman I like him better than Michael Keaton. Some will call that blasphemy, but being the first does not, in fact, make you the best. I am excited to see Ms. Gyllenhaal finally get some recognition. But as far as caring about loyalty to storyline, or the fact that they switched girlfriends, (Maggie can act better than Katie anyway) or truthiness of mythology, I could careless.
I am and will go to see Batman at IMAX for the Harry Potter trailer.

And that ladies and gentleworms, makes me truly mad.

Firming Things Up

I will be leaving town on the 26th of July. Since we have two cars and both of us will have to make the 12 hour drive, my dad is flying down to drive back in my car with me. Three cheers for dad's! Aren't they just the best!

Since dad is coming, Ryan my go ahead and leave town early, which means I will be free like a single girl to do anything. So hit me up if want to!

CIAO!

Thoughts

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
- JRR Tolkien

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Giraffes... Really

Has anyone noticed a recent trend towards Giraffes? Maybe its just me, but since we just went to the Cincinnati Zoo and they are giraffe crazy (apparently they just got some or something, they have this huge ad campaign about how you can feed the giraffe which is a lie because they are scared of people. But have they pulled the television ads. Nooooo) and then I am driving to work today and I see an add for the Norfolk Zoo, oh sorry the Virginia Zoo and it has a giraffe on it and I am like what is the deal. They are not neat creatures. I mean they are rather like cows, they just stand around and eat all day. But then there are huge television shows on mere cats who are just rodents. Noah's favorite animal at the zoo was the rhinoceros. Now there is an exciting animal! But whatever. I remember when the buzz was all about tigers. Those were the days.

Admiring the Arts

I am 99% sure we are going to this tomorrow. If any of you want to "run into us", Mindy. Not that its too late to pull a stunt like that or anything.

Don't you love the effects of postmodernism in our society. Is art or a consumer good? If you say its not art, you are closed minded. HA HA HA! I say its crap. But were going to make our own T-Shirts! (Ryan has a slight T-shirt fetish)

Transformed

Friday, July 11, 7pm
Contemporary Art Center of Virginia
2200 Parks Ave., Virginia Beach
Limited to 250 guests
$5 per ticket for cover; cash bar

Experience your own transformation at this art opening featuring Elm & Oak (Exclusive Limited Merchandise & One of a Kinds) and DJ Greg Again. There will be a graffiti art installation and you can create your own T-shirts with custom screen-printing at the event. Dance ‘till the music stops and enjoy light catering. Adults 18 and older only, please.

Transformed is a group exhibition of two dimensional, sculptural, installation, and video works that address the unrestrained potential of familiar, domestic, and mass-produced goods as they transcend their everyday roles in our lives.

Spinach Juice

So I am just so upset about this I have to put it on here. I bought some juice a couple days ago. I bought this juice.
Now if you look at the bottle it would lead you to believe that its apple-kiwi juice would it not? I mean, thats what the picture says.

So I buy it and I drink it and it tastes...funny. So I start reading the label and this is what it says:

"Bolthouse Farms Green Goodness starts with incredibly nutritious things like wheat grass, spirulina, spinach - even blue-green algae." that came from the website. The ingredients also say broccoli and garlic.
Look at the bottle again. Now read spinach, broccoli and garlic.
I'm not even going to get into the algae right now.
Then the go on to say they make all that stuff taste good by masking it with the flavors of apple and kiwi. Well they dont say mask of course, thats my word.
So I am telling Laura (the most health aware person I know intimately) about this and she laughs and says, "I support you consuming seaweed." To which I say, "As a health conscious person or as a sadist?"
"As a sadist," she says, "I have no idea of the health benefits of seaweed."

With friends like that.

Theouj, o9shn, fjahtne skjetn slkadhnd hdfn . Therhunhn htnhe m,snbsk. Prjlw 's whenr vh.
WEhrn I fwefn ro wgo to vo w dni knwno ol sopw owoultjo sl f;is .

Don't you agree?

Are you ever just amazed at what a sinner you are? I am. Yesterday was a bad day. I lost my temper. I judged a bunch of people.  I was haughty. Would you believe that? Not me huh?

Well, it was. I was floored with myself at how a little change of scenery lent to such a big change in my mentality. When you are around Christians, its so easy to be a Christian. Mel always says I am honest about myself. Well, that clear glass is shiny enough to reflect whomever happens to be next to me apparently, and it hasnt been Jesus. 

But, in His kindness, He is with me. 

Last night Ryan went out (late) to shoot some fireworks with some friends, and I went to bed. Well, this morning, I was up bright and early, well, at 845 which is atleast respectable. At 1145, I was angry with Ryan because he was still asleep and I was bored. So I took myself for a walk, and I cried out to the Lord, because I knew that I should not be angry and I knew that I was being unfair. And He met me. And I was able to remind myself that love does not prefer itself. And I went home and we had a good day. 

So thank you Lord, for always being there when I need you.  

Do You Zoo?

We went to the zoo yesterday. Do you like the zoo? I don't like the zoo. It's hot and the animals are always asleep and it's expensive and a lot of walking for nothing. But the Cincinnati Zoo...


I loved this zoo. I'm not sure if it was the fact that it rained all morning so it was 80 degrees all day. Or the fact that the around the park train was really noisy so when it went by it caused all the animals to perk up. (So you got to see them move at least) or the fact that the park itself is a botanical garden so the entire thing is landscaped gorgeously. We saw lots of monkeys, (we even saw one poop in his hand and eat it), we saw wolves up pretty close, we went into a bird house where you could get a cup of nectar to fee the birds. Now this was probably the most amusing part of the day. We didnt get the nectar, I mean I asked Noah if he wanted to but I think he was a little scared. (Noah is a big kid and he's nine, but he's afraid of a lot. Dogs, the dark, being alone, asserting himself etc.) We go into this bird house and there are several different kinds of birds going every which way but because there are several kids who have nectar cups and not a lot of bird eating the nectar, the keeper reached up and shook the tree where the all were AND THERE WAS A GREAT WHOOSHING.


Oh my, that face. You would have thought the bombs were falling. Perhaps I'm cruel but it was funny. Anyway, we hung out there for a little while and one bird decided to eat the string on Ryans sweatshirt and we got to pet it and it crawled around on me and Ryan. So I think Noah made his peace a little with aviary kind.

As we left, I told Ryan perhaps we should get a lorikeet.

Well today is the waterpark. Gee, fun.





On a positive note. Ryan's friend Chad plays in a weekly volleyball game and has invited us to play. It's an answer to prayer. Well, a prayer I hadn't spoken out loud even because I have wanted to be able to do something a little more active with Ryan had had just asked him a few days ago if we could look for a volleyball team to join. Since Chad already plays and he knows some of the other people, he was eager to play I think.
So thanks Lord for meeting my needs before I ask.