Mirror Mirror In My Heart...

What do we think of my sunflowers? They are kinda Mid-Westy and I was tired of being so average.

My daddy is here !!! I am so excited. I love to see my dad. It is the best benefit I find of moving out of my house. There is nothing better, well almost nothing better than the minute I see my dad.

Except that hes old. I don’t remember when he got old. I do remember that hes been old for a while but I don’t remember when exactly that it happened. Maybe it was the cancer. Or maybe I just became an adult.

I bought a new book the other day. Well two new books but the one of interest to this story is, “The Question of God: C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex, and the Meaning of Life” it was in the back of the truck today and he picked it up and started to flip through it.

It occurs to me now at that moment (not that it never had before) where my father reads the book I bought to engender philosophical conversation with my spouse, that I married my father.

I went from desperately loving and seeking the approval of one man who couldn’t share or appreciate my faith in Christ to desperately loving and seeking another who couldn’t.

(Those of you who know both Ryan and my father know that that does not even begin the list of similarities, but that’s another show.)

What I want to talk about today is why someone does this? In the grand scheme of the universe is there some generational link betwixt a woman with an unsaved father marrying into the same? Did I have a choice? (This is rhetorical, I know I did) But were my heart not already sealed?

Today my heart is heavy. Heavy with love, heavy with sadness and heavy with feeling absolutely ineffective.